Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

get you a girl who

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned