@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

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@trevso_electric

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

@RandomAntics

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

@girlontapas

The 3 second rule: the time between when you tell me your name and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was.

@ericsshadow

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

@gitson_shiggles

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is