The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…