The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.