The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Florida man
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.