The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
You Might Also Like
This was a bad idea all around
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.