The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.