The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
What is going on? 😅
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.