The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone