The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

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[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.


[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*


Dear toy companies stop telling me your product will provide hours of family fun it will provide two minutes of interest followed by ten tantrums and exclamations of THIS IS BORING


Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.


I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.


[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced


ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.