Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.