Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances