The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
