Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My birthstone is kidney
The fall of Netflix
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.