The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.