The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat