The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
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“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw