The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My circle of trust is a meatball
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.