The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
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today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I unironically love this joke.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.