Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

that wasn’t the question