The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.