The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
You Might Also Like
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.