The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?