The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.