The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
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Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?