Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach your children to beatbox

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.