The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
You Might Also Like
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
How does one answer this?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.