Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”