The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?