Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

My mom texting me from an anime convention

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky