The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
The “baby” on the left….
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now