Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Okay me first

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing