The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
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It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I have a type: disappointing
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village