The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
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Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
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Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Home #decor warning.
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Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.