The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt