The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..