The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.