The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.