Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

If snakes were wide

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.