The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
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I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.