Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?