The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.