The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities