The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You Might Also Like
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
But wait…
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.