The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture