The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.