Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

buys donuts instead

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?