The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
But wait…
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish