ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
You Might Also Like
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
saw an escalator for the first time today, just stopped and staired
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*
*Turns to GF*
“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me
Witch doctor? -reception
Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me
Please sit down.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd