Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

i want the dreams to chase me for once

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

I created you as mosquito food.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”