Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

on da cob, we all corn

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

Breaking news:

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”