Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.