Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

shut up and take my money

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.