Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Ken is short for chicken

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.