The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
getting corrected
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”