Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.
Life is too hard. Let’s play something else.