The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*