The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos