Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

i hope my email finds you on fire

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you