Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

wish me luck lads

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.