The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny