The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.