Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it