[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Bruh
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.