The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪