The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
A drum solo but on your face.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.