The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.