The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Thank you 🥹
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out