Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I wanna be friends with this person
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
remember
only for emergencies
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?