Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.