The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
all that yoga finally paid off
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.