The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

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*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…


There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.


me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going


Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.


My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀


When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else


Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.


My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.