@PaperWash

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

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@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@kamtweeting

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

@MarfSalvador

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

@SomthinBoutSara

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

@Purple_Pito

My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀

@audipenny

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

@Aspersioncast

My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.