The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My love language is hissing.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”