@PaperWash: The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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@bingowings14: [first date] Her: I like my steak rare Him: *trying to impress* I'll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
@KentWGraham: For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
@BlindChow: me: i just quit cold turkey turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change