The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile