The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off