[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
me before I type out affect or effect
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.