The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Bruh
Great Canadian literature.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
this has to be peak English
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
i hope my email finds you on fire
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs