The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”