The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Growing up was a huge mistake
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.